:: Dreams and Other Chimera ::

:: 26.8.02 ::

It's been two weeks now, since I smoked a cigarette. tried to a few days ago and couldn't. "Good on you." is what alot of you are probably thinking. hehe. It's rough.

I have been in the shittiest mood for the past week and a half. Missed two weeks of the gym, had three days off all month, and I think I cracked a knuckle in a misguided attempt to demolish a lightpost when I lost my third set of housekeys.

I was going to post a few paragraphs here but I deleted them instead. More incessant whining about the shittiness of the present state of affairs accomplishes nothing but reaffirms that I am unwilling to do anything about the situation I am in. It is THAT kind of thinking and state of affairs I am trying to break away from. Some people tell me that I am too hard on myself, but they just don't understand the extent of the lack of discipline I have. I will be proud of myself when I have something to be proud of. And I will make myself and everyone around me go "HOLY SHIT!!" when I do.

Do I have a point to prove to anyone? Do I really need the approval of others to validate myself? Does it matter that I haven't done anything grandios when I have done so many things that are unique and special to me?

OH HELL YEAH! I am NOT a waste of flesh and the whole world will see it as I rub it in it's FACE. And yeah, some people might call it immature to want to show up everyone and everything that ever walked out me as a cause for self improvement. And I suppose it is. But what other people think is one of the major things that brings me down. At this point, I'd just like to ask all those loyal readers (>.<) out there to just think about how much it really means to have someone believe in you, let you know they like you alot, perhaps even love and support you... and imagine how it would feel if that wasn't there anymore. Yes, this may seem like a pointless exercise in self pity, but honestly give it some thought, and then you will understand the basic plight that not only I, but alot of people go through. Yet, we are all told that this is mythical thinking, that our feelings are invalid. That we aren't actually hurt and lonely, but only THINK we are hurt and lonely. I was told by an anonymous source that I was dumped because of my negativity. Yet, I had managed to totally change my outlook on life AND change my situation for the better. I learned sacrifice. I learned commitment. I learned how hard it really was to fit someone into one's life. I learned what it was to love someone. I also learned what it is to lose that. I learned how rare it is to be loved by someone else. I learned that because someone says they love you, doesn't mean they love you in the same measure. I learned that what you are (and/or the expectation to become something else) plays as much (and sadly sometimes more) of a part in a relationship as who you are.

I know I have alot of fans. I really do. And I love them all for one simple reason. There's more to me than what you know. Alot more. And it's not all roses. Hell, I can be outright FUCKING UGLY. BUT.... my friends...get this...my friends know this... and accept it because it's part of who I am. And I am their friend.

Lovers, on the other hand... all of the ex's I have had one thing in common.... they liked the me they were familiar with... but didn't like some of what else they found... and thought they could somehow reject part of me but keep part of me...as if I could be divided. I don't know what hurts more, being dumped or being told "I love you but I'm not in love with you." The latter proves my point exactly. I would reply now (to everyone who has ever said that to me, now that I am coherent and focussed and know what the hell I am saying/feeling/thinking) "Yet here I stand, the same man you fell in love with, but more. I have accepted you for all you had to offer good and bad. I have come to stand by you thick and thin, even moreso than I do for anyone else. Can you say the same? Can you face the hurt you leave in your wake? Can you look me in the eye? Talk to me and hear me cry? Can you stand by me in this dark time when you are the cause of my anguish? I Can. And Have. And Will Again. Because I love you. Can you say the same? Then don't tell me you love me. If you honestly still want my friendship then show me how much you love me, eventhough you're not in love with me."

One woman did answer that. Both in word and action. And I will love her forever as a true, dear friend.

BUT... this get's me nowhere. None of them are listening, or even know this place exists. heh. Even if they did, not a one would answer anyways, though I wish otherwise.

I shine still
Beauty in irons
Diamond in chains
I storm through bleak winds and sordid places
All will pass behind



Tomorrow is a new day. Let's try this again, shall we?

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

Two o'clock and all is well....

Today ends day 6 of nicotene freedom. And yes, while I have missed an entire week of working out, I think that the smoke free state and managing NOT to punch podunks in the nadgy bits is pretty impressive. hence me laying as low as possible for the past little while. hehe. No company, no conflict, no problems.

I had lunch with an incredibly charming young lady (whom I hope to see again), coffee with some employees of a rival hotel. (definitely cool to get out with other people who KNOW! THEY KNOW! THE HORROR!). And ran into an old friend from grade school. hehe.

Still single. Still 25. Still poor. *lol* Not as upset as i was. I find these days that I am possessed of a distinct lack of focus. Discipline is needed to get myself back in the game. Something I have always lacked, I guess. I had it in spurts and it's what got me where I am today, but I need... more. My work performance is sucking, my personal life crawls like snail. My mind remains mush and does not grow less muddled. But at least I don't pine away for someone I violently ejected from my life anymore.

I was thinking of taking a martial art of some sort. Muay Thai has appeal due to cultural heritage. Kung Fu because it's just neat. Karate or Taekwondo for the discipline. Tai Chi for the focus on form and patience. Boxing for the ass-kick factor. So many choices, so little time, money and ambition. hehe.

A very special thank you goes out to a friend from across the atlantic who gave me a ring and made my week as well as gave me some insight into the maze of walls and mirrors I call my life. You rock, P.

A fortune cookie once said that strong words were often a sign of weak cause. I am finding that true as my motivational speak is being out performed by my mad apathy skillz. Change is easy. The effort is the hard part. My goal for next week is to get back on track and start pushing that boulder up the hill again.

I'd go all philosophical on your asses, but I've found that most of my "deep" thoughts are exercises in self delusion. I'd kick my own ass if I wasn't me... and no Jim, that's not an invite to kick my ass. You either Cam... no ass kick for you, two years... back off Arthur.... James... put the filing cabinet away...

OH! and I am thinking of laser eye chirgury so I can see without specs.

The best part is coming soon... my mum returns from beyond the rising sun... YAY! HUGS!

Having a mom rocks.

Love ya, mum.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

"WE ARE WHAT WE ARE! SO DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT! HOW TO BE! HOW TO LIVE! WE ARE WHAT WE ARE FOREVER LIVE OR DIE! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT! HOW TO BE HOW TO LIVE! I AM WHAT I AM FROM BEGINNING TO THE END!"

It's 1 o'clock and I feel GREAT! Inside I'm raging all over the place and feel like I could tear the world apart with my bare hands. At the same time I feel a supreme high that sends my soul soaring. Adrenaline perhaps? Euphoria from Nicotene withdrawls? Perhaps.

I feel pretty damn good. It's only a day, but I feel the battle lust taking off inside of me again as I face off against myself. I LOVE having energy. It's neat. I find myself looking forward to tomorrow instead of viewing it with revulsion as I have for monthes. It's exhilarating to be able to say that you feel good and MEAN IT! BWAHAHAHAHA!

I don't know why I am in such a good mood, but it's rare, so I am going to revel in it for awhile. And if you think this doesn't make sense and that I haven't said anything worthwhile here, SO WHAT! I think enough of us have been where I am to realise when they've had enough.

Berserking is fun.

I will NOT give up. I will NOT be stepped on. I will NOT stand by and let life pass me by. I WILL become the person I deserve to be again. And the rest of you can either support me, or stay the hell out of the way.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

I'm buggin' out!! I smoked my last cigarette yesterday, and am not buying more today. I was meditating on the nature of suffering and negativity. It strikes me that I make myself suffer because I am negative, and to overcome the suffering makes me stonger and more positive. Somewhere along the lines though, I started making myself suffer for the sake of suffering. Smoking, for example. I hate the taste, the smell, the sensation, but I do it anyways. Why? Because it hurts me. I tell myself I enjoy it, but I only crave it. I evaluated the appeal of smoking to myself, and I can only conclude that it's because I know it's killing me.

Now, as you may have noticed, I'm trying to be more positive. This is day one of my latest attempt to quit smoking. Most of you who know me well here in Edmonton know of my particular weakness for the smoking habit and how often I resort to it in times of duress, sadness, and anger. I don't know what I will resort to now. hehe. Suggestions would be nice.

'Course the other time I smoke alot is when I am with my friend Al. Now, Al is a special case (there is NO end of depth to that man). At whioch point, it isn't about self destruction, but more of a ritual. hehe. So I think I will always slip out for one with him, if he asks. But moderation in all things. We'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

"Its true/I've got demons inside me/and sometimes/they need to speak" To quote a song. Music is such an inspiration to me. I try to listen to as much as I can, but lately have fallen into a rut as the places I listen to music have been cut back on. Now they consist mainly of my stereo when I go to sleep, and my car which has been running the same CD for weeks. So I put it to you fateful reader types, Expose me to somenthing new. The only think I will say is that if it is country or rap I probabally will not listen to it more than once.

Ta.

:: James [+] ::
...

*blink*

Well nice to see that John has kept you in capable hands while I haven't been posting. Life set back in and showed all of its style and innanity as usual. I have been, at turns over the last while angry, tired, bored, complacent, cavalier, and any number of other oxymorons. I want to thank the academy in all its forms and subtleties for putting in appearances and keeping me off guard.

My notion that perception is the most important factor in life has been confirmed a couple more times and I am trying to figure out how to use this as meaningful information in distributing my consciousness throughout reality. Because sleeping doesn't seem to be working.

I'll be back, to quote a movie.

:: James [+] ::
...

BEHOLD, MY AWESOME POWER! *Appears in a shining visage of other guy in gleaming white undies and vast expanses of multicolored flesh*

hehe. I accidentally posted again, so I figured I best give you another flash of my divine self.

And remember, "K" is for "Kompressor" and Red Robot Hates Your PUNK Ass.

Crush All Hu-mans.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

BEHOLD, MY AWESOME POWER! *Appears in a shining visage of other guy in gleaming white undies and vast expanses of multicolored flesh*

Well, okay. So I'm lounging in my underwear and preparing to perform a strange experiment in self psycho-surgery. Reading my last post, and thinking of things that have come and gone, I can only conclude that I am to blame. I have lost control of the negativity which has served me so well in the past as a survival mechanism, and am now being consumed by it.

Last night I phoned my other half. She was informative and uplifting as ever. Never knew how much I missed her until I talked to her again. First time in two years, and yet we picked up right where we left off. It's people like that which renew my faith in humanity and my hope for the future. After talking to her and another friend about what it takes to let go, I went to bed with thoughts of ending, doom and and overwhelming feeling of anguish. Then today i read an interview with Danko Jones when BAM! The torrid truth slaps me in the face like a porno-cock. As I perused the questions pertaining to loser boyfriends, Danko said "Women don't deserve someone who flies off the handle because they have a low self-esteem." Pow. Ouch. Right in the nadgy bits.

I AM ONE OF THOSE LOSER EX'S!!!! *hangs head in shame*

SO! In the face of such an unavoidable shame. (more like a cosmic mark against me) I have no recourse but to change. Apparently the tides and currents of life have drawn me so far off course from who I should be that I am, literally, unlovable. Not to say that there aren't those who love me, as friends. But there is noone in my life who loves me as more. I don't think I can have anyone like that yet. BUT! It has opened my eyes to how much I have neglected myself and like left my temple to ruin. Time to clean house.

Over the next while, for all you intrepid readers out there, I am embarking on a journey of self re-discovery and change. Each week I will post at least one new episode detailing my progress, concerns, set-backs and all the rest. I sincerely hope that I get some comments back as it is always easier to go on with support. Or at least a kick in the ass when I need it.,

So listen up. This is the situation. I'm 25. Single and Poor. I'm not the most stable brick in the wall, but my chaos is what draws people to me in the first part. I started "body-for-life" two weeks ago, and have fallen off the wagon a bit, but I climbed back on this morning. My immediate goals are to make my way to Saskatoon to visit some dear friends in the near future. I work today and that's about all I have to report.

OH! and in 3 weeks I dropped from 185lbs to 168lbs

.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...