:: Dreams and Other Chimera ::

:: 31.10.02 ::

Ow! The past two days have been a total burn. As my somewhat uplifted spirits are slowly reawakening to emotional awareness, I am suddenly remembering the pains of actually caring again. In the past twenty four hours I have been labeled as a "Creepy, Too Short, Fat, Retarded, Dumb, Immature, Fucked Up Dork." Wonderful.

While Arthur thinks I shouldn't get down when I hear these things, and shouldn't really care about what others say or think, I can't help it you know? It doesn't help when you are looking to find someone and every female you take the time to talk to (other than those who are your best friends) adds another adjective to the list. And yet they still act all friendly like and talk to you as a friend anyways. I mean, why would I want to be your friend if I know you really think I am creepy? Why would I want to chat with you if you think I'm retarded?

I'm a good guy. I'm loyal, friendly, caring, funny, and (dare I say) pretty good lookin'. And yet, it seems that it's not enough. People are not so much concerned with who I am so much as what I am. Except for my friends. The solution? Hang out with some of these people and let them get to know me? Perhaps. But everytime I see or hear from them now, the adjectives echo in the back of my mind.

Like the time I heard "Sorry John. You're not white."

"But that's different" you scream. Is it? Somehow a personal insult is less offensive than one that is publicly unnacceptable? They are both personally devastating and belittling. As if, because one targets a smaller in group is is less hurtful? I think alot of people out there have forgotten just what it is that insults and hurtful words do. Injure. The world is full of shit and abuse already, and especially among my circle of friends, but we know that we are making fun of the ludicrous amount fof crap we take on a daily basis. The last thing a guy needs is to be unneccessarily shit on by people he doesn't know. Like being shot by someone who takes firing a gun for granted.

The following is a list of people who can freely shit on me:

My bosses. Because it is their god given right as bosses. Plus they respect me.
My friends. Because they know enough of me to love me, and let me know that. So we can jab back and forth and know it's personal.
My family. Because because they love me and respect me.
My cat. Because she doesn't know any better.

People I will not take shit from, on the other hand, include people who don't know enough about me to make that judgement call. (John jokes around alot, so he can't be serious). People who about me but never to me. People I love but have totally wrong timing. (like the time when my ex went WAY too far in carrying on a joke that my friends KNEW would get me genuinely angry) Adn I am a little more tolerant of the last one because pushing the limits is how your grow and learn.

Some of you might think I am being overly sensitive, or "not a REAL" man. Or to "Suck it up" But this is me. I don't know what illusion everyone else is under or what they tell themselves, but I for one do not see why I should change my self just so I can deal with other people's shit. My general solution for people who have the gall to label me without knowing me is to simply not have them in my life.

And perhaps I am overly sensitive tonight, but that's just me. Love it or leave it.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

Well, here I am again. Updating my poor neglected Blog. It's been awhile and developements aplenty have happened. I am smoking again. Sad I know but I am ready to give it another try.

I have recently (In the time since I wrote last) started antidepressants. They are doing well by me. I have a feeling of inner stability, which is a new sensation in and of itself. I feel calm and able to hold my cool alot better. I no longer get heartwrenchingly sad whenever something goes wrong, or melancholy memories resurface. I am more tolerant of the people around me and more social than I have been in a long time. I am even slowly beginning to look forward to going to work for the day again. Bizarre.

The baby is doing fine. Dara is one cute munchkin and her parents are very proud. She's a wiggly little tyke and likes to suck on things (I think I will buy her a pacifier) and is super cute when she opens her eyes. Sometimes they let me hold her, and when I do it's AWESOME! Babies are neat. Still doesn't mean I want one of my own, but perhaps someday if/when I am ready or it.

My friends are doing alright too. I got to hang out with my friend Carrie who I haven't seen in a 'coons age. She is the girlfriend of one of my best friends and a very good friend of mine in her own right as well. We went for coffee for the first time in a long time and it was good.

I miss hanging out with female friends. Lately, I have been spending alot of time with the boys, which isn't a bad thing, I mean I am a boy too so male company is appreciated and easily identified with. BUT! There is something to be said for the spending time in the presence of another who is somewhat captivating just by being who they are in addition to whatever topic you may be discussing or activity you might be doing. lately I have really wanted to go to the provincial museum to see the ancient roman exhibit, but I would like to do so with a charming woman. Similarly, there are some new movies I want to see too, but not without a real date. Curse this low self esteem.

I was even called hot by a cute girl. It made me giddy, but I still dunno how to react. I never did.

It's kinda funny. I mean, I suppose i am not a bad looking guy, and I am a good friend and fun to hang out with. (agree or I won't even spare your family) and even some of my more "active" friends were shocked that I didn't get as much action as they did. But I am shy. And it sucks. Cuz I need some luvins. Like the sunshine.

Everybody's gotta learn sometime.

That's all for now.

Take that Arthur. Right in the face. RIGHT in the FACE!!!!

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

It's been a week, and as awlays, the ups and downs are there. hehe.

First of all, mom is coming on the tenth, so I have asked for time off from work at that time, obviously. I am due for a vacation anyways, but I am hoping that it doesn't mess anything up. I actually tried my hand at my bosses job for a while and sometimes it really sucks when people ask for time off. I have a total respect for my friends/coworkers who cover for each other as mucha s they do.

Second, I finally bit the bullet. Most of you who know me totally know that I am depressed. i always thought it was just stress, or something, but it has been two years since I was depressed enough to wlak out of uni. And it has gone mostly downhill from there. So I suspect that it might actually be the disease depression, not the emotion. I sought help and they gave me a prescription of Celexa to help me out a bit. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

I actually won second place in a tournament of MechWarrior. I am a geek, I know, but it was nifty. And I won. And crap.

*booooooooooosh: The double deuce*

that's it, that's all.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
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