:: Dreams and Other Chimera ::

:: 28.11.02 ::

And on the third day, I chatted with She from the last entry.... And it was good.... And lo did she make me feel like a bag of chips; to be eaten when there was no other fare to be had.... And there was hurt.... But I am a jealous god, and I abhor these abominable practices.... And my cup ranneth over with the bitter Welsh's Grape Juice of Wrath. Flipping out... I cried 'Let there be dark!"

And it is dark.

Alas, when the time came and I stood nameless in the face of judgement, I should have turned the other cheek.

And yay, though I walk through the valley of care, I fear no contact.... for she hath blocked me.... Forever and ever... Aw Man.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

"Deep in my soul.... a love so strong... it takes control..."

Alas, how too true it is. I find that alot of my life revolves around how I feel more than anything. I've resolved myself to being single, but that doesn't mean that the feelings are not there. I met a rather nice young lady who I am glad to call a friend, but sometimes I find myself leaning towards feeling more, which ain't cool. I admit it, I'm scared of getting hurt and don't want to invest in something that probably isn't going to go anywhere anyways. It's odd, like I have some sort of imperative to love someone. I've been trying to get my heart under control though. I've been giving myself heavy doses of the mailed fist of reason to keep myself sane. But like the dead cat, curiosity comes to haunt me and I always wonder "what if?"

"Now we both know....the secret's bare....the feelings show..."

The problem? I am a romantic and a dreamer. I am a lover, but a goofball. I think that one of the reasons I may be single is because I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I feel something, I am open about it. There is no mystery, no mystique... just a big tender beating pulsating heart on my sleeve, that reads like a book etched in raw quivering flesh. It scares some people off, or makes me good friends with others, but noone wants a lover who is that open I don't think. I mean, it's cool to have a friend who is straight up and honest and such, but to have someone who says they care and mean it completely can be kinda wierd I s'pose.. It's a bother to me, because even when I don't want people to know what's up, they know anyways, and sometimes honesty is too much. I try not to lie to anyone, especially myself, but there are times I suppose when it is needed.
I've always said that sometimes you have to be ruthless, and do things you don't like to survive. I suspect that curbing and learning to control my emotions is one of those things, and this is one of those times. Discipline and denial. Like my younger years.

"Driven far apart....I make a wish.... on a shooting star..."

Still, I can't believe that this is all there is. I always feel like I am missing something... like I am the way I am for a reason and that someone will come or something will happen that justifies everything I feel and have gone through. I live in a wierd unknowable anticipation of I know not what. It drives me to do the best I can to be me. For all that entails. I love without restraint, care without caution and dive headfirst to be where I feel I am needed and wanted to support any of my friends. Even if it means putting myself at considerable risk or getting hurt along the way. My stalker called it a christ complex. I call it being there. One day, I hope, I wish, I whatever, that someone, somewhere will love me for me, and all it entails. *sigh*

"There will come a day.....somewhere far away....in your arms I'll stay....My only love...."

But until then, I suppose I should get my ass in gear. I always said that I would either follow love, or money. I have worshipped at the altar of love and feel somewhat forsaken. And as always, I am ever so tempted to give up on my heart altogether and bury all of my feelings in a tight little ball and cover it with cold hard greed. Or at least cold and hardness. Sometimes I get tired of caring and just want to stop. I think I might do just that for the first week of December. Hell, I might just follow through with my plan of joining a monkhood just to get away from the world I am in. But that will wait until the time when I leave Canada, and my life here behind. A dream I wanted to come true in 2003, but found reason to stay a little longer.

We shall see.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

"Can't blame anyone for anything I've done. They're my mistakes."

Well, another slow night at work. However slow does not preclude uneventful.

I talked with my boss today who presented me with some interesting thoughts. I have benn debating for some time the nature of my particular job and he asked me the same question I have asked myself over the past few monthes. Do I want to remain supervisor? Or would I rather step down and let someone else do the job?

And interesting conundrum. While there is alot of freedom to be had on the lower end of the food chain, there is also little room for advancement. I have been thinking about this alot. I am 25 freaking years old and it is time I started forming a career for myself. Actually, I should have been working on one since I was 18.

It constantly feels like I am going nowhere fast. I never intended to end up in hotels, it just sort of happened one day about 7 or 8 years ago. I know that alot of it has to do with my performance. As with most of my life, whenever I set my mind to something it comes easily and the work is much better than average. But it has been a long time since I felt inspired to do anything. Alot of my inspiration left with the onset of depression, and what little was left after that vanished with Jenny. It's been rather disheartening.

It's not that I don't respect Cam, or my co workers, or that I feel the job isn't worth doing. I just don't really care so much anymore. About anything really.

I've been fretting over a relationship for the past year, but I can't help but feel that it is due in part to my having tasted a real one and wanting it back. I shine the most when it is for or involving someone else, and the only one in my life these days is me. I don't really care too much about me as I never really had to, I guess. It always seemed that there were so many people around who cared and inspired me that I never really needed to. I would do my best to look out for other people before myself. Eventually I took it for granted and became selfish.

Now I still find myself caring about others more than myself, which can be awkwards sometimes as they don't understand why I am so affectionate or feel like I am being false somehow. But I also find myself on a razors edge of self immolation. With no contingency plans in case anything goes wrong, I fly through life by the seat of my pants, confident that everything will be fine because everything always is for me. But one day my luck might run out and I will be stuck. Well, more stuck.

So, on that note, Cam also told me that I should take the rest of my vacation time soon. I still have a work week left of vacation time and I think it might just be what is needed. I have been notifiying the people in my life that I will be going into seclusion again, to contemplate the real issues that are bothering me. The ones I never take time to give a second thought to. There's alot of work to be done. like I said a few monthes back, I am a work in progress and need to change. The time to do that may be closer than I had previously imagined.

I am giving up on the whole relationship thing. I believe tha only a fool breaks his own heart, so there isn't really much of a point in worrying about something that isn't my choice to make. I also believe that when the times comes that you are unable or unwilling to fulfill your tasks, that you should step aside and let someone who is capable and willing do it instead. I will be mulling the job thing over for the next little while. I cannot shirk my life, as much as I would like to sometimes. And it is time for me to prioritize my life and straighten up.

"Cuz there's nothing good comes from guilt. Gotta give it up. Give it up and move on."

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...

"My friend the Buzzard, he follows my toils. My friend the Rat, he grows fat from my spoils. My friend the Maggot, he spawns in your brain. My friend or enemy, all shall die in pain."

Another boring night at work and after seeing Arthur has updated HIS blog I felt pressured to do the same.

Today I am in a bit of a turmoil. (odd word that "Turm-Oil". What the hell is a Turm? Is it edible?)

Anyways,

So lately I have been thinking about stuff, like I always do. Specifically girl and relationship stuff. It's confusing and convoluted and twisted. For me, especially, it's a minefeld. The more I think about it, the more messed up I seem. THe more messed up I seem, the less anyone female wants to do with me, and of course, the less they want to do wth me, the more I think about it. I wonder if this is gods way of telling me that I am actually gay and don't know it. I seem to do fine with guys, but I'm hetero, so that doesn't work.

I am thinking of becoming a recluse again. It's frustrating riding the stormy weather of friends and lovers, and I would much appreciate some emotional peace and quiet. Sadly, there is no real place I can store my stuff while I join a monastery to get it all worked out. I'm getting frustrated with the lack of interest in my person, and with noone else to blame am sorely tempted to hit the road and seek greener pastures.

I've never been too keen on the philosophy of "wait for it and it will come to you". Even nature doesn't work on that principle. (ask our poor lawn who waited and waited for water till it died) No, I believe the key is more in adaptability, being able to go with the flow and change with the changes. Only those strong enough to change are strong enough to survive. I've never been one for the bar scene or playing singles and jazz like that, but so far waiting and refusing to play the game due to my sense of moral decency has only succeeded in getting me shot down and heart broke. This confuses and frustrates me.

By my reckoning, the true measure of a man is not how macho he is, or how polite he is, but that he is true to himself and does the best he can to support and care for those around him. He must be strong enough to endure the responsibility and burdens of his own life as well as do his best to help out his loved ones in times of need. He must be sensitive to the needs of others, but ruthless enough to do what needs to be done. He must be honest, loyal, and brave enough to into hell itself if he is called upon to do so. I lived by this code at one time. But, over the years, its has become apparent that not many people honestly look out for more than number one, and just because someone you love says they love you too doesn't mean they love you as much. I've always done what I could to be there for anyone who needed me, carried my friends when noone else was there. I've dived into the mire for people I cared for and we clawed our way back up together. And for many many years I asked for nothing in return. I figured if you were a good person and did your best to do right by everyone that people would be good and do right by you in return.

I was wrong.

While there are some good people out there who still have a concept of honor and social graces, todays world is a selfish one. We are encouraged to look out for number one and bombarded with messages from all sides saying only hypocrites and fools look out for number two. The former should be avoided and the second should be taken advantage of. There is no call for people like me anymore. I live to love and be loved. I need people to care about, and I need to be genuinely cared about in return. I need to be needed and wanted, and when I am not I simply go elsewhere, as there is no point in sticking around. I'm wanted these days, but seldom needed. And it's taking its toll. It's been over a year since I was someone special to someone. And a year before them in turn.

I'm getting lonely.

It's getting dark outside.

And getting cold.

I've been told I expect to much, usually by people who don't really know me but take a stance of "I don't know what you want but I can't give it to you." But it's not so much an expectation as a hope. That sometime I'll run into someone who needs me, and wants me. No luck yet, and Edmonton is looking pretty dry for prospects.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
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