:: Dreams and Other Chimera ::

:: 31.3.03 ::

Two Digits, mirrors of each other.

In the beginning.

One packed like the deserts sands
one puffed as tilled soil.

Must get wider shoes next time.

:: James [+] ::
...

Intent

Do I want that forest? but you say that this one is so much more pretty.
To have one you can have them both.

I like the sea better.

:: James [+] ::
...

I've been thinking over the last few days or so, about how other people feel emotions. How the scale from small feeling to large feeling works. It always seems to me that most of the time, I don't really feel too much of anything. Now Lazarus will tell you that any time I have a confrontation with someone, say at work, I am stone faced. He'll tell you that any sort of problem or concern is awnsered with any real care for the situation sliding from me like water from a ducks back, and very little emotion, good, bad, or ugly, rising from me.

He's wrong. Usually in such a situation, I am embarassed. Most of the time when dealing with other people, I flit from one tiny embarassment to the next. I just cover it over with unconcern, as was indocternated into me in school. And then, after enough washing it over, I find that I truly don't care all that much anyway, as the embarassment fades.

Unfortunetly for me, this carries over to most other area's of my emotional psyche, or so it seems to me. I think the key seems to be attachment. I seem to have trained myself over the years that attachment is a bad thing, as any attachment is a way for somenthing to hurt you. I have more than enough experience in being hurt, emotionally, by others.

So I don't feel much of anything most of the time because most of the things I deal with I don't have any attachment to me. I am not usually concerned for others, save those few whom I care for, because if I cared for them, they could hurt me. I don't concern myself with objects as I will not let an object affect myself in that way. The list goes on.

It seems that most of the things that I feel these days are anger, and irritation. This is not to belittle or ignore the people whom I care about, and who make me feel joy, and fraternity, and even love. It just seems that most of my emotional content in an average day where I spend quite alot of time around myself is based on things that cause me frustration or irritation, or anger. I'll get mad at someone who flashes his brights at me for no reason on the road, and angry at him when I find out that he has installed lights into his car to make it appear that he is a police officer, to make others get out of his way. I'll get mad at the other person who plays chicken with a cop, because the cop is driving into oncomming traffic who ignores him, and won't get out of his way. I'll be frustrated when my lunch is delayed by 2 or 3 hours, so as I have worked for 6 hours before getting a break. Basicly my attachment to myself and my convienence is causing me pain. But as I have no self esteem or self image, I get little to no good emotional content back from the same attachment.

I start to get more frustrated at life when its my external attachments (read friends) who cause me this pain. Take for example one of my friends who had the top of one of his molar's broken off by an accident at work. It caused him some pain for a bit, but he just put some local anesthetic on it and then ignored it. But now, a month later, he hasn't gotten the problem looked at by a professional, and no longer works at that place of work, or at all. So when the gum has started to grow over the wreckage of his former tooth, it causes him pain on the jagged edges. So I and others offer to pay for him to go to a dentest and get the tooth pulled. But that's charity so he refuses. Now his plan is to get someone he knows (not me thankfully) to go into his mouth with an exacto-knife and a pair of needle nosed pliers and pull it out.

Some of my friends can be idiots.

When situations like this come up, I start to get disillusioned with my external attachments and spend lots more time with myself, which I've been doing all week. And so I am well slept, and generally irritated with everything. Compounding this whole problems is that fact that another friend said some things, which though not intended to be hurtful, were. Its really hard to ignore that though I really tried. So finally, today, I managed to be happy after work, a first this week. And felt like doing something, not much, but something. And lo and behold, a friend calls me up and invites me to a movie. I'm good with that. My friend offers to call me to wake me up, but that's ok, I'll be awake on time and at the movie on time, I replied.

So I was awake on time, even early, and spent some time talking with Arthur, which only improved my mood. And away I went, on time, leaving myself 25 min to get there, plenty of time. I decide I need some cash to buy a pop and a ticket when I get there, so I stopped at my bank, which was not only enroute but had a drive through thing. I was the first car waiting in the queue. Now, I am not going to state any puzzlement to what happens next other than what sort of banking transaction takes 19min? I mean really. I ended up getting stuck in the queue because a couple of people blocked me in from behind. So now I'm irritated, but still make good time to near the theater. However I decide to do one short streatch on the freeway, which will shave a couple mins over the backwoods route.

Only after I reached the last turnoff did I discover that the freeway was down to one lane due to an accident which was, coincidentally, level with the turnoff I needed to take. So I am backed up for quite some time, raging at fate, and then have to take the next exit, which was something like 2km down the road. Needless to say, how late I was was rubbed in by the fact that when I bought a ticked the clerk looks up at me and says, "that show has been in for 26 minuites, are you sure you want a ticket?" So it took me over an hour for me to go from home, to the theater which is 20 min away, with one pitstop.

Will someone track down Kismet and tell her that I'm sorry?

Anyway, so much for feeling better about life.

(to make matters worse my friend had bought me a ticket but was watching the movie because I hadn't shown.)

Hopefully tomorrow will go a little better.

:: James [+] ::
...

Hey everyone.

Sorry, haven't had any deep, random or otherwise postable thoughts in quite a while. And normal thoughts are just that....

time to power down for another day.

:: James [+] ::
...

Stardust

First he awakens from his nap, then streatches and rolls about.
He gets out of bed and gets dressed, moving through his home as a snail.
Eventually he reaches the door and opens it, out into the night, dancing and roaming with his friends.
Eventually he gets tired again.
And goes to sleep

:: James [+] ::
...

Infonoclysm

Predators lurk in the mist, machite in hand I travel through their throng.
the tolling of the bell, the banging of the drum

All known is found here.

The sun beats down from above on the leaves, as one monster rampages, clear as day, vibrant as a postcard from Jamaca.

All is seen here.

A mother in a hut, with a baby on her breast cries for food, as the predator leaps from the bushes at her.
Trying to escape the wildfire
Started by the volcano
who cares for no one.

Two men staring at a tree
In the black of night
"Its leaves are ochre" cries one
"indigo it must be" calls back the other

Lines form in a sea of chaos, connecting all,
Each tree has its buds, and berries. Leaves and roots.
Its own microcosm.

The crocodile smiles its toothy grin, and blinks its tears.
It has tasted manflesh.
beside, the tractor rumbles on.

In the night, the bats will fly and the birds will rest.
In the day, the trees breathe.

What is known here.

:: James [+] ::
...

Ya know. its all funny.

So I spent about 12 hours helping a friend of mine put on a feast for the SCA. So get up, go to the hall, cook, drive some, cook some more, clean clean and more clean, and go home.

Out of it all I can only really remember one or two things clearly.

I remember one of the feast organizers and my friend bringing a flask in from the eating area, and then silence, I was washing dishes at the time. Anyway, about thirty seconds later I hear my friend say "Did you just say it tastes like an angel just pissed in your mouth?" To which the reply was affirmative. Well, I had to try.

It was very good scotch.

And it did.

:: James [+] ::
...

Ok here goes.

I am not depressed. I was, briefly, last fall. And I came close last week, but as things stand right now, I am fine.

I have a grip on life. Tenuous currently, but growing as I start to get things back in order.

I do like who I am. Take that any way you want it, but I am happy with my potential and some of my ethincs. I do not have a negitave body image, I could be in better health, but I'm working on it.

I am proud of my friends, some of my acquaintences, and, most importantly my family. I may not show it every day, but I love you all.

I am not spiraling down any more. I was, but I've leveled that off and am working on a recovery.

I do have a plan.

However:

I am still irresponsable.

I can be immature.

I am lazy.



Above all things I am me though, I can't quit, something has to keep me going. Something always does.

Finally, for those of you who read this regularially, there is a name at the bottom of every post. Currently it is 'James', occasionally it is 'The Other Guy.' I am not The Other Guy, I feel sorry for his plight, and wish I could help him through it more. Please DO NOT CONFUSE US! It makes for more hardship in the long run.

Peace

:: James [+] ::
...

I'm back.

I'm bad.

And I'm better than... well... maybe not.


Something is wrong. I wonder if this is the most my life is destined to amount to, even on antidepressnts my life seems to be in a slump now. I can't seem to rest, to recoup and I don't know why. I am at the point where it seems like I can't get enough sleep, and I am falling behind in every aspect of my life. I am tired, but there is no way, shape, or form to take a rest. I tried to leave for a week (vacation)... it was more stressful than working. I tried to take a more activew role in my personal life, go out with freinds et al, and it is nice, but doesn't seem to take way any of the weight. I am drained almost dry emotionally, physically, and financially.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I can't just take time off and move home to recoup, as my parents have moved to another part ofthe world, and there is nowhere I can go where I wouldn't need a full time job to survive. It feels akin to walking through a desert with no water, constantly growing weaker and weaker but never beaing able to stop as to not walk is to die, which you are painfully aware is catching up mto you anyways.

To be honest, i want to just quit my job and sit at home for a month, or two, or three. But alas, that is not an option. My alternatives are slim, and I do not know where else to go now. Going back to school would be good, but I am unsure as to how to maintain my life while I am doing that. I feel truly and utterly alone.

My sister once told me that in life you either survive or become a casualty, and death is preferable to some of the possible outcomes I face. I am not suicidal. But I have lost confidence in my ability to survive. I am dying. It is a most unpleasant realisation.

If anyone has any options or suggestions, please let me know.

Help me.

Please.

:: The Other Guy [+] ::
...