:: Dreams and Other Chimera ::

:: 24.9.04 ::

Images are running through my head. My head is pounding, ready filled with images and ideas. That no one will ever see. Mo one will ever hear, no one nothing. The sugar crash has come, the caffine high has fallen past its crest.

The colour red, the breath so pink. Black are my pants. Purple my mood, and white the things behind me. Time may have been time enough but it came to slow and went too fast.

The rock falling down the mountain.

What comes next? Is there a next or will the past continue to repeat, like a record turning on its final track, then skipping and playing its final 3 seconds over again.

The road is swerving below me, the yellow pulse that spells life and death dancing to my sides. The guard rail beckons, but so does the wall.

A flash of teeth, the smell of cinnamon on someones breath. Does it mean anything.

The glass pyramid. Illuminated from below in green. Or mabey blue.

The solidification of ice, the spider and her web. The track grooving the road.

Is another road less danger wraught. Are the all the same?

Is all the same or is nothing the same. What lies in the middle.

So many questions. So many fears. So little direction. So cold.

Cold.

Wheres my fire?

:: James [+] ::
...

With the glass chilled just so you add the ingrediants. The first is poured in quickly, and given a moment to settle and then the work comes. A spoon is inserted and the second is poured slowly in, physics keeping them apart. Finally, after the second and first have settled in, hopefully with no mingling, because that leads to all kinds of unwanted effects. Finally, and even more carefully the third is added to the surface, once again no mingling, once again, life is ready to drink.

I only believe one is nessisary. All are the same to me, all have the same tase, all come from everywhere, and only without a spoon can it be poured. The chemical must be different. It must be differently drank and must taste differently.

Or so I'm told.

:: James [+] ::
...

Comments are gone, if you want to know why email or call me. I'm gonna look into Nightshade's method of blog feedback, but it may be a while.

:: James [+] ::
...

When it all comes down to it, it seems for me that the large gross changes are easy and its the little things that hurt. The sense of loss you get when you see that thing that would have been perfect then, save it wasn't around.

I admit to nothing. Everything is in the past now and I can not feel bitter for it, all of it. Even the things that I don't remember. Life has decided to move on me again, to shift and change. Mabey streatch a little. It started last summer, and it may not end till next summer. One can hope anyway. I may have the confidence to deal with these changes now, but it'll be hard, having to reshift again. Just when you thought it had ended it begins again. Beginning again. Started over. Over....

I guess I just get to put my best face on and be happy with things. It's hard to admit that I'm happy. Even when I am just by myself. My lowest ebb as it were. But happy I am and happier I am getting. Hopefully my momentum of joy will be enough to pearce the traditional winter depression and leave my feeling clean in spring. Another cycle broken. Another past to forget.

They say that you will see the glass as half empty or half full. Thats both too simple and not simple enough for me. I say that the glass is a vessle, filled with a liquid containing a surface tension, that will evaporate at a temperature dictated by its chemical properties and be replaced by condensation. As this liquid is concentrated in the area it's in, the condensation can only have the effect of spreading the liquid out over the entire area more or less evenly. And I say that the whole thing doesn't matter. No glass, no spoon or other metaphore for mental status.

There is no spoon.

:: James [+] ::
...

Well it's the end of my little R+R session. Soon I shall go to sleep and then arise to go back to the bloodsucking evil that is work. However I spent today persuing some rightious causes. I firstly mowed the lawn, which is insane considering it was raining almost all day so the grass was wet and willing to turn into a mud hole. Then I got back in and had a conversation with th appointed representative for the buyers for my house. You see they had set Sept. 7 as the deadline for getting everything in order. I got a phone call from him asking for a 2 day extention and could I sign some papers to that effect? and what's my fax number? Well I gave him my mom's phone number as she has a fax machine, and can sign said papers. But I guessed what the problem was, see they had alloted themselves enough days, save they forgot about the long weekend. Apperently they hadn't accounted for that day off. Isn't their real estate agent supposed to do this professionally? Doesn't say much, does it.

Anyway, got that out of the way, and headed over to see Star and got a bonus April for free! Man thats luck. Unfortunetly I couldn't stay to bask in the sexy that was happening there and had to leave to get togeather with the group that I will be playing with for the live game that I joined. Yes, I am an idiot for starting playing live again, but for your edificaiton I swore no oaths to the contrary. So after a mad creation/writing session, I was off to talk with Nightshade.

Now its been a while since I've talked with Nightshade and it was productive. It's nice to get all caught up with old friends.

Finally I got togeather with the Dannage and we had one of the more in depth discussions that I have had with him. He and I cut ourselves to the metaphoric bone for each other's edification. We had sushi and at one notible point in the discussion it caused him to comment that the remark that I had just made was the best compliment he'd ever heard me give myself. I usually tend to be self deprieciating so it represents something of a change in thinking for me to do that. Anyway, the restarunt that we ate at, Wasabi, was fabulus, if death food for some of our friends.

From there Dan and I made it well in time to see Hero which was a brillant movie. Not for the sword fighting and kung fu, more for the condensed purity of thought and poignant simplicity of the film. If Lazarus hasn't seen this movie, suspend all action until he does.

Anyway, a good way to wrap up the week. Lets see, calgary, trap, eyes, house, friends and family, food. All in all most relaxing. Back to the pain tomorrow.

:: James [+] ::
...

Well, back at home, relaxing. I got this bruise on my eye when they zapped it with the laser, its kinda disturbing to have a almost dime sized blood spot on your eye. At least it doesn't hurt or anything.

Calgary was good, got to teach a friend of mine how to shoot trap. He seems to be much better than I was at the beginning. Course, I started doing it when I was twelve so I didn't have the strength to have the fine control I have now. I also found out why my dad did so poorly for so long. When he was retraining himself on his shotgun the aim point of it is about 4-6 feet to the right of the actual target. Thats quite alot. When I was using his shotgun it took me almost 20 rounds to figure out where I was actually was with it. After that though, it was easy.

What else what else?

I guess this week is find an apartment week. So thats going to occupy alot of my free time after today. Aside from that the usual sleeping, eating, and such has taken place.

Oh yeah, I went to the Manchurian Candidate while I was in Calgary. It was a good movie that I enjoyed for some of the subtler bits, though it was kinda predictable.

Vision remains good, but fades between perfect and not so perfect throughout the day. I guess that it will for a while. Thats ok though. I'll survive.

James

:: James [+] ::
...

Well, eyes have been zapped, and vision has returned. It would appear that my eyes are not quite as good as they were with glasses, but thats not too big of a deal. My eyesight is currently 20/20 with some improvements to come over the week to take them to 20/15. All in all it was pretty uninvolved, the hardest part was signing the inches of "if you go blind you can't sue" paperwork and refraining from doing anything that required concentrated eyesight for the balance of the day. That means no computer, no tv, no books. I ended up listning to the tv as my mom watched Jeeves and Wooster. The operation was pretty cool, you lay back, they clamp your eyes open, put a thing on the eye that cuts the corneal flap (this was the hard part as your vision blacks out slowly and your other eye is patched over. The pressure of this thing being pushed into your eye was pretty bad too) then the laser itsself which was was barely noticeable. Then wearing bubble eyeprotectors until I got home. So eyes are good and getting a little better. My left eye is a touch out of focus compared to the right. Haloing is almost nonexistant. And thats it.

James

:: James [+] ::
...

Its the weekend for me now. Well, actually its thursday night but I have a six day weekend because tomorrow I get laser eye surgery done. Anyway, I should be able to type again saturday or sunday to update how it went.

Peace,
James

:: James [+] ::
...